Sexiness on your own terms
A question of choice, not clothing.
There’s no denying it: sex sells. Marketing giants worldwide have understood this. It’s not enough for your product to be of quality, it has to be sexy.
Ever since I was a teenager, I viewed sexiness as something empowering. When you grow up in a culture that places more importance on how you look and tries to quantify how much you’re admired by others (e.g. followers, likes, etc.), it makes sense to want to be seen as desirable. But, when I think about it, it’s clear that what I saw as sexy was really a feeling of being in control of oneself. To be physically admired was to not only have people look at you but also listen to you. For an introverted girl like myself, that seemed particularly alluring. The subject of a woman wanting to be sexy has always been disputed, especially among women themselves. Some view it as a new way of simply playing into the patriarchy, while others claim it’s authentic empowerment. After becoming addicted — like literally everyone — to the latest summer hit single, ‘Espresso’, by Sabrina Carpenter, where she gives eye-catching, vintage ‘50s pin-up vibes, I find myself revisiting this debate. Is a woman’s desire to be sexy empowering or another form of unconscious suppression?
The media loves to promote the image of the sweet, innocent girl who doesn’t know that she’s pretty and hasn’t yet leaned into her sexuality. Just think of the female idols or movie heroines most Millennials grew up with, from Britney Spears (during her ‘…Baby One More Time’ stage) to Rachel in Friends. To be outspoken about one’s beauty and desire is considered to be of ill taste. But, what would happen if we normalised the fact that women do have power over their desire and sex appeal, and are free to experiment with their appearance without it being viewed as a reflection of their intelligence?
I think the keyword here is ‘desire’ because it implies agency and choice. Sexiness is not empowering when it’s forced on you. Take the example of Britney Spears. She was only sixteen when ‘…Baby One More Time’ was released, and from then on, almost every aspect of her life was dictated. Now that she has escaped her conservatorship (#SaveBritney) and the pressure of having always had to suppress her own personality and wishes, one of her favourite activities has become trying on outfits for her audience on social. No matter how these videos may appear to people visiting her profile, they are testimonials of her feeling confident in her body and taking back control of not only her wardrobe but her right to assert her sexiness on her terms.
‘Thirteen years went by with me feeling like a shadow of myself. I think back now on my father and his associates having control over my body and my money for that long and it makes me feel sick.’ - Britney Spears, The Woman in Me
Britney’s story is one of being stripped of control, having been repeatedly publicly shamed for either her desire to feel sexy, much like other popstars at the time, or the contradictions in the ‘sexy schoolgirl’ story she was told to uphold — an impossible mission. The famous Diane Sawyer interview springs to mind, and you can’t help but wonder why her contemporary Christina Aguilera wasn’t subjected to the same unbelievably humiliating grilling. Most likely, it was because she didn’t profess to be a virgin when she clearly wasn’t (though, of course, no blame can be put on Britney for that). This was back in the early 2000s, but it’s safe to say that the general public and media continue to be uncomfortable with young women experimenting with their appearance, especially when it might insight desire in others. But, is this our natural programming? Let’s not forget that in the animal kingdom, this is mostly inversed: the females are confident and assertive, whereas the males have to go the extra mile to beautify themselves and attract attention. Take peacocks, for example… those guys can be awful show-offs!
Moreover, another key question we need to ask is whether sexiness equates to beautification. Is confidence associated with appearance? Interestingly, a 2020 PLOS ONE study sought to answer this precise question: ‘Can beautification empower women to act assertively?’ To do this, they conducted two experiments. In the first one, women were asked to dress as they would for a ‘hot date’ using their own clothing, make-up and accessories; in the second, they were asked to dress for a casual day at home with friends. Researchers then used various criteria to measure ‘implicit, explicit and behavioural assertiveness, as well as positive effect and sexual motivation’. Following the first experiment, they concluded that ‘women demonstrated higher psychological assertiveness after beautifying their appearance, and that high sexual motivation mediated the effect of beautification on assertive behaviour’. I think we can all relate to this to some extent. Personally, a bit of lipstick and some mascara can instantly lift my mood. When I don’t have time to get ready as I want to (let’s face it — on pretty much every school run), I tend to avoid making eye contact with people and become more timid. As Shakira, who is held as the epitome of sexy by many, has said:
‘I do take advantage of, you know, feeling sensual and feeling sexy. And I think that is tremendously empowering and is not diminishing in any way. I feel that any woman who is in control, who is in touch with her femininity and sensuality, is a woman that is empowered.’
What I would stress here, however, is that everyone has their own version of beauty. It is not something that can be easily quantified, since it’s subjective, and thus, we could conclude that what is empowering is the feeling of being beautiful for oneself, rather than following a standard definition.
Importantly, we have to dig to the very root of the topic. Why is it that women’s bodies are constantly objectified and criticised to a greater extent than men’s? It feels like a woman’s body is a project and everyone has a say in how it should be conducted, from whether we should be allowed to age naturally to whether we should be in control of our own reproductive rights (yes, I had to drop this in here… sorry, not sorry!) I was reminded of this during an incident on This Morning back in April when news commentator Ashley James was criticised (mostly by female viewers) for a purple suit she wore which was deemed to reveal too much cleavage. I was truly surprised because her waistcoat wasn’t even that revealing to me — then again, I’m often shocked by some of the comments I read on Instagram. In response, Ashley — who, I must add, is also currently breastfeeding — wrote an essay about the sexualisation of women for Grazia, in which she states:
‘From dress codes to get into bars to our flawed judicial systems that always seem to ask, “But what was she wearing?”, it’s clear that the sexualisation of women is systemic.’
Ashley raises a key point here, which was also at the core of a 2022 exhibition organised by the Spotlight Initiative at United Nations Headquarters in New York City, titled ‘What were you wearing?’, which ‘showcases 103 outfits worn by rape survivors at the time they were attacked, representing the 1.3 billion survivors of sexual assault worldwide’. This is one of the first questions asked (or thought) after a rape, followed by similar blame-attributing questions, such as ‘were you drinking, were you dancing a bit too close, did you smile too much’? It is almost always, whether unconsciously or not, presumed that the female victim was wearing something that could have been deemed ‘provocative’, as if that in itself could justify or partially excuse the crime committed. It was clear from the mostly mundane outfits exhibited that what the victims wore had nothing to do with what tragically happened to them.
Going back to the incident on This Morning, in her response to the criticisms she received, Ashley explains that she struggled with her body for many years. She was constantly told to cover up and criticised for seeking male attention, when she was too young to understand what that really meant, forcing her to even consider breast reduction surgery. Regardless of their bra size, I think all women can relate to this. Nothing prepares you for that moment when you suddenly go from a child’s body to a woman’s. It seems to happen almost instantly, made even more dramatic with the onset of our periods. We’re never given the space or time to grieve our childhoods before being thrown into a sexualised role. One day, we’re just like the boys, and then, suddenly, we’re being told to hide our curves and ‘be discreet’. Perhaps, this is why boys seem to mature at a slower pace; there isn’t such a dramatic departure from their childhoods, or is there? I’d be curious to hear from my male readers about this.
That said, another question arises when discussing a woman’s desire to be sexy: when does beautification or sensuality cross over into vulgarity? According to the Oxford Dictionary, ‘vulgar’ refers to a lack of good taste or morals, especially as defined by ‘the upper classes of society’. I might view one person’s attire or language as crass, while someone else might view it as perfectly normal. So, in this context, could we not say that ‘vulgarity’ is simply in the eye of the beholder, subject to individual tastes and backgrounds? A second definition describes vulgarity as the ‘explicit and offensive reference to sex or bodily functions’. However, once again, what I find offensive may differ from someone else, and this usually relates to my personal upbringing, insecurities, traumas and so on. What makes one person comfortable might make another uncomfortable, but that shouldn’t necessarily be a reason to fear expressing ourselves or stop us from following a natural evolutionary path of testing boundaries to find our truth.
An interesting point to consider as well is that when men feel comfortable in their sexuality and bodies, they tend to become more ‘feminine’. Think: Harry Styles, Elvis… perhaps, there is power in that? Female sexiness was born out of repression, following centuries of being told to hide ourselves. Men have also long been told to dress and behave in a certain way that confirms their identity as heterosexual males. Those who don’t easily fit into that category or who simply want to distance themselves from traditional gender stereotypes look to women and their feminine sides for inspiration. It’s further proof of how feminine beautification and sexiness can take the form of liberation.
To conclude, the real question isn’t whether a woman’s desire to be sexy is empowering. What is empowering is the act of being honest about her own desire. As is the message behind the UN’s exhibition, the answer doesn’t lie in the clothes (or lack thereof), but in whether the woman in question was robbed of choice. As Salma Hayek demonstrated, the most expensive thing a woman can wear is her brain. Let’s start picking at that instead of her clothing. As the saying goes, don’t judge a book by its cover; what’s written in the pages is so much more interesting.
As always, I’d love to hear your thoughts on the above. Comment below (open to everyone) or DM me!
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I came to this from your comment on the Sabrina carpenter essay about sexuality. I LOVE how you bring in modern examples of men being celebrated for embracing femininity or female sexuality. It really shows how far the double standard goes.
My top piece seems to be in conversation with this one!
https://miranda26.substack.com/p/the-body-is-and-is-not-mine