#2 Books + Browse
A journey toward healing with Gabor Maté.
What I’ve been reading 📚
The Myth of Normal: Illness, Health and Healing in Toxic Culture by Gabor Maté
I’m sure most of you have heard the name Gabor Maté. The Hungarian-Canadian doctor and trauma expert has become quite visible across social media, featured on numerous podcasts and famous for his televised therapeutic dialogue with Prince Harry as part of the promotion of the prince’s memoir, Spare. Having become familiar with some of Maté’s ideas, I was particularly intrigued by the title of his latest book, which seems to allude to many themes discussed in Femme Factale, namely how the society we have normalised is a myth and no longer sustainable. As such, when this book finally arrived on my doorstep, I was eager to dive in.
Admittedly, this book was not an easy read, not only due to its length, which is close to 500 pages, but also because of the complex cases discussed. Maté’s book is founded on two basic principles: (1) mental illness and chronic disease are rising at a seemingly unstoppable rate, and (2) both are connected to our personal suffering, largely predicated on the first five years of life and the pressures of our modern society. In short, he argues that our environment, modern societal beliefs and chronic suppression of emotions, due to either big traumas (with a capital ‘T’) or constant micro-traumas (with a small ‘t’), are making us sick. Amongst the conditions he discusses are rheumatoid arthritis, eating disorders, addiction and cancer, repeatedly linking them to childhood traumas, as retold by the many people he interviewed for the book, including celebrities, such as Ashley Judd. While I am the first person to agree that the way we live today is not normal and makes us mentally and physically unwell, when reading the first chapters of the book, I couldn’t help but ask myself: Can we really blame all illnesses on trauma? Perhaps, the thesis of the book is a bit overstretched… However, when I got to the last few chapters, something strange happened. I felt like I had gone through a very intense, month-long therapy session and was starting to — dare I say — heal.
Namely, what Maté identifies as a cause of ill health is the disconnection from our true selves. In other words, a lack of authenticity causes us to suppress our vital emotions, and consequently, this mental struggle with being at odds with our ‘nature’ makes our bodies rebel in the form of illness. Child abuse can be a major indicator of such a mind-body rebellion; however, our modern society, which is increasingly distanced from our natural state, is causing micro-traumas that accumulate within us over the years and potentially manifest in chronic or severe disease.
‘A culture where Nature has become the exception is a culture in trouble. To do the job evolution has tasked us with, and to access and trust our natural instincts designed for that job, we need each other, and we need communal and social support — just as surely as our children need us.’
One aspect Maté discusses in detail is modern parenthood. According to him, the first five years of a child’s life (including, controversially, the time spent in the womb) play a pivotal role in not only their development but also how they will process emotions in the years to follow. Now, if you’re a parent, you may read these sections of the book with a certain amount of apprehension. Most of us want what’s best for our children and we are more than acutely aware of any mistakes we’ve made. However, Maté is careful not to the blame on parents, fully transparent about his own flaws and how his struggle to come to terms with his traumatic childhood as a Holocaust survivor impacted his own children. Instead, he accepts that we are all, to some extent, grappling with trauma, and importantly, dealing with a society that is set against us. He affirms that our modern way of life leaves little room for affectionate parenting, parent-child relationship-building and healthy child development.
‘We know from many studies that the more support parents receive, the more responsive they can be to their children. “It used to be the tradition in almost every society,” Narvaez writes, “to have a lying in period for mom and new baby where women of the community wait on the mother, giving her nutritious teas and foods that promote breastfeeding and healing. They took care of everything in the household so she could stay in her bed and give her full attention to bonding with and breastfeeding her baby.”’
The above quote caught my eye because I had already written about how motherhood today is not normal in my previous article, ‘I want to hate “tradwives”, but I don't,’ in which I gave the example of a friend who still has access to the aforementioned support network, which remains an intrinsic part of Chinese culture. Why do we forbid the separation of puppies from their mothers before eight weeks, but don’t provide a single day of state-mandated maternity leave in the US, for example? We convince ourselves that babies are better off in nurseries and need to ‘cry it out’, for instance, but is this backed up by child psychologists? Maté definitely disagrees with this. If you’re a parent or thinking of becoming one, I would recommend reading his thoughts on this.
Moreover, I was particularly drawn to what Maté has to say about living in a culture of uncertainty, which my generation, Millennials, seem to have been fed in spoonfuls. We now live in a constant climate of economic, political and social instability. As a generation, milestones have shifted at such speed that there has been little room for acclimatisation, leaving many to feel pessimistic and like they have ‘failed’.
‘Finally, amid a culture grounded in values of competition and materialism, we confront not only actual material conditions, pertinent as they are, but also how people are induced to see themselves. When people judge themselves or are judged by others according to financial achievement, being lower on the pyramid — even if in a relatively stable position — is itself a source of stress that undermines well-being.’
It’s no wonder that chronic stress is rampant, and to cope, we seek any element of our lives that we can exercise control over and fixate on. As an eating disorder survivor, I could fully identify with what Maté wrote on this:
‘Much as with addictions and self-harming behaviors, or conditions like obsessive-compulsive disorder, there is always a “pay-off” with disordered eating patterns.[…] The desperate drive to seize some command at least of their own body amid turmoil is almost universal among people with anorexia or bulimia that I have interviewed.’
What I particularly liked about the book is that there is hope at the end. Maté offers a pathway for individual and social healing, which he categorises into the Four A’s: Authenticity, Agency, Anger and Acceptance. This very chapter is what motivated me to embark on my own healing journey, starting with a letter to my inner child. The steps Maté mentions are simple, but their power shouldn’t be underestimated.
To conclude, there are many other aspects of the book I’d love to mention, including what he says about the gender health gap and why women are more prone to chronic disease than men. However, I feel that I may have rambled on quite a bit already. Overall, this is a challenging read, especially if you’re currently in a sensitive place; there are cases he mentions that are difficult to digest and can be triggers for some. That said, it certainly is thought-provoking and the lessons to be taken, if you’re open to them, can be profound.
Has this book piqued your interest? You can find it here.
No time to read the book? ⏰
You can also listen to Steven Bartlett’s interview with Gabor Maté on The Diary of a CEO, in which he discusses many of the points I mentioned above, here.
As always, I’d love to hear your thoughts on the above and any recommendations you may have. Comment below (open to everyone) or DM me!
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